Into Me You See

As you already know,  there is no Happy in 5 de Mayo for me.  This date has a whirlwind of emotions for me, but that’s okay. I know it’s okay to not be okay as long as I don’t drown in it.  I woke up this morning with a heavy heart as expected.  Heavy not for me though, but for my oldest.  Yesterday, he told me he was going to isolate himself and not speak to anyone.  I get it. I really do.  {I would love to hide under a rock at times and not have to deal with the world, but I don’t have the privilege to do that because I have to show up for my boys.} He didn’t want to wake up and covered himself from head to toe. (For those that don’t know, he has had it rough emotionally and mentally. He struggles with anxiety, anger and depression due to what life has dealt him at such a young age.) I laid next to him and just hugged him, telling him that I love him. Telling him it’s okay to be sad and angry, but not okay to drown ourselves in it. We stood like that...

In just a couple of hours, it would mark 8 LONG years since I heard your last breath. They say time eases the heartache and heals all wounds. But as wounds may heal and pain may lessen, the heartache will always remain. It may not be as profound as it initially was, but it's still there. Reminders of you are everywhere - Pictures on the wall, sporadic pieces of clothing still intertwined with mine. Your voice in my head, and your smile once I close my eyes . I remember looking back at you in the car that day, and Bob Marley's song came on the radio. You looked at me and said "mommy, no worry, is gonna be alwight". At just three years old, you were assuring me that no matter what happened, everything was going to be alright.  Yes, it's been 8 years since I last held you, but you are with me every day. I carry you in everything I do and everything I say you are my reason, you are my why you are the burst of energy that recharges my drive. I missed...