Into Me You See

There is not a moment in time that I don’t remember myself as being overweight. As a kid, I was always the biggest of my siblings, the biggest in my classes, and the biggest in my circle of friends. As you can imagine, I’ve always struggled with my weight. My earliest memory of realizing how much more I weighed than the other girls in my circle was in the 6th grade. It was June 1993 to be more specific. We were getting ready for my 6th grade commencement, so we had to go clothes shopping, especially because I was giving a speech as 6th grade valedictorian. I can recall not being able to shop in the regular girl/juniors sections. I had to head over the “old people” section as I used to call it because it was older women who shopped in that area. There was nothing CUTE in that section. I had to settle for something that fit, rather something I actually wanted to wear – not a very good feeling. That’s when it all started.   I remember that summer going to my annual physical and dread

As you already know,  there is no Happy in 5 de Mayo for me.  This date has a whirlwind of emotions for me, but that’s okay. I know it’s okay to not be okay as long as I don’t drown in it.  I woke up this morning with a heavy heart as expected.  Heavy not for me though, but for my oldest.  Yesterday, he told me he was going to isolate himself and not speak to anyone.  I get it. I really do.  {I would love to hide under a rock at times and not have to deal with the world, but I don’t have the privilege to do that because I have to show up for my boys.} He didn’t want to wake up and covered himself from head to toe. (For those that don’t know, he has had it rough emotionally and mentally. He struggles with anxiety, anger and depression due to what life has dealt him at such a young age.) I laid next to him and just hugged him, telling him that I love him. Telling him it’s okay to be sad and angry, but not okay to drown ourselves in it. We stood like that for a while - he then thanked me

In just a couple of hours, it would mark 8 LONG years since I heard your last breath. They say time eases the heartache and heals all wounds. But as wounds may heal and pain may lessen, the heartache will always remain. It may not be as profound as it initially was, but it's still there. Reminders of you are everywhere - Pictures on the wall, sporadic pieces of clothing still intertwined with mine. Your voice in my head, and your smile once I close my eyes . I remember looking back at you in the car that day, and Bob Marley's song came on the radio. You looked at me and said "mommy, no worry, is gonna be alwight". At just three years old, you were assuring me that no matter what happened, everything was going to be alright.  Yes, it's been 8 years since I last held you, but you are with me every day. I carry you in everything I do and everything I say you are my reason, you are my why you are the burst of energy that recharges my drive. I missed