A heartfelt thank you 💓

As you already know, 

there is no Happy in 5 de Mayo for me. 

This date has a whirlwind of emotions for me, but that’s okay. I know it’s okay to not be okay as long as I don’t drown in it. 

I woke up this morning with a heavy heart as expected. 

Heavy not for me though, but for my oldest. 

Yesterday, he told me he was going to isolate himself and not speak to anyone. 

I get it. I really do. 

{I would love to hide under a rock at times and not have to deal with the world, but I don’t have the privilege to do that because I have to show up for my boys.}

He didn’t want to wake up and covered himself from head to toe. (For those that don’t know, he has had it rough emotionally and mentally. He struggles with anxiety, anger and depression due to what life has dealt him at such a young age.) I laid next to him and just hugged him, telling him that I love him. Telling him it’s okay to be sad and angry, but not okay to drown ourselves in it. We stood like that for a while - he then thanked me for comforting him. Of course I don’t need thanks because that’s my duty as his mommy I told him. Called Dad and Neymar to his room and we had a hug fest with Nandy. 💙 

We left for a drive and his mood was better, until I wanted to release some balloons that is. It’s something we’ve done every year for Nayelis’ birthday and anniversary, but today Nandy was not having it.

 His mood flipped the switch, so I released 5 balloons and we left the beach. 

Stopped for ice cream and it helped lift his spirits (ice cream does that for everyone right?) , and now we are home. 

Nandy is my heart, and I hurt for him because he should haven’t to go through what he does. He’s been pushing everyone away and isolating himself more and more since this quarantine. I hope and pray it’s a phase that will soon be over.  

As for Neymar, he doesn’t understand what 5/5 represents for us, but he does know about his big sister Nayelis. I show him pictures of her all the time, and his eyes twinkle and he smiles as though he knows something I don’t. I truly believe he has met her. He reminds me so much of her- the things he do, the way he speaks- he has some of her mannerisms. Sometimes I have to do a double take because I look at him and I see her. 

Everything I do, and everything I am is for my boys. 

This includes my husband. 

I pray that God eases his heart and comforts his soul. 

People grieve differently, and if this journey has shown me anything, it is that. Some talk about it, while other internalize it. (As you can see, you know which group I fall under. It’s therapeutic for me.) For him, it’s not as easy to be open about the trauma we’ve experience. It’s okay. In due time. Regardless of everything, he shows up by doing what he needs to do for his family. 

Before I end this, I just want to say thank you to all who called, texted, messaged me today. Thank you for your words, but most of all thank you for loving and remembering  my spunky 3 year old princess. It’s in the hard times that God reveals and separates. It doesn’t go unnoticed. Love you. 🧡