A never ending cycle ...

That is exactly what life is!
A cycle that never ends. No matter how much you think you have surpassed the past
you find yourself going through the same motions over and over again...
And I say this because today I was going through my work email, and I came across and email that I sent myself in 2007... FOUR years ago! And it was a piece of writing that I had written in that moment. Reading it brought me back to then, yet it reflected somewhat where I am now.
Crazy, I thought to myself. How is it that with all that has passed and all that I've experienced I am still in the same place?! Could it be that, instead of moving forward, I moved in a circle? Or could it be that I didn't move at all? That I was still stuck in the same place ... both physically and mentally? So confusing that's what this all is!
I figured I will share the piece of writing that has me feeling this way.
Enjoy!

Caught up in the drama…

The one I always try to steer away from.

Don’t want to get myself entangled in a web

Of seduction, temptation and deceiving…

That’s not me.

Not me at all.

Funny how we say we should practice what we preach.

Yet.

Many a times, we find ourselves in awkward situations

And yet,

We find no explanations for why we are there.

That’s where I’m at right now.

No explanation or so I think.

Reasons are found beyond explanations.

Aren’t they the same though?

Crazy.

Yes. That’s me.

Letting myself go uncontrollably

Within the hidden meanings of words equating total chaos.

Allowing me to lose control of myself

In the eyes of seduction

Trying to wonder if real eyes can see into me

And realize the intimacy

Spoken through my own eyes.

Where my own eyes

Fail to see the road ahead of me,

An unexpected journey

Luring this being into a world not only of

Enticement, butterflies and excitement

But also one full of guilt, shame and regret

We are told never to regret

Because all happens for a reason…

But in a quick minute,

Something takes over, and

All changes and we forget

What is right from what is wrong

And we let ourselves fall into

What feels right in that once instance.

Comments

This is me, Evolving.

There is not a moment in time that I don’t remember myself as being overweight. As a kid, I was always the biggest of my siblings, the biggest in my classes, and the biggest in my circle of friends. As you can imagine, I’ve always struggled with my weight. My earliest memory of realizing how much more I weighed than the other girls in my circle was in the 6th grade. It was June 1993 to be more specific. We were getting ready for my 6th grade commencement, so we had to go clothes shopping, especially because I was giving a speech as 6th grade valedictorian. I can recall not being able to shop in the regular girl/juniors sections. I had to head over the “old people” section as I used to call it because it was older women who shopped in that area. There was nothing CUTE in that section. I had to settle for something that fit, rather something I actually wanted to wear – not a very good feeling. That’s when it all started. I remember that summer going to my annual physical and d...

Breathe.

While the Internet has proven to be resourceful in many ways, it can also be a curse. I remember being on the 7th floor pediatric oncology unit back in June 2009. I was sitting with the doctors who were explaining to me Nayelis' diagnosis. (I had already Google searched leukemia in children, so I had a few questions of my own.) I went on to tell the doctors my findings, and they said not to let what I found on the Internet drive me crazy. But that's just who I am. You give me information I am not knowledgeable of, and I run with it on every search engine available to see what I can find. That's what I did then, and that's what I've been doing now. Let me backtrack a bit. During my 5-6 month pregnancy ultrasound for Neymar, doctors informed me that the ventricles in brain appeared a bit larger than they should have been. They closely monitored me during the remainder of the pregnancy to make sure the size was not increasing as it would mean there would be so...

8 years

In just a couple of hours, it would mark 8 LONG years since I heard your last breath. They say time eases the heartache and heals all wounds. But as wounds may heal and pain may lessen, the heartache will always remain. It may not be as profound as it initially was, but it's still there. Reminders of you are everywhere - Pictures on the wall, sporadic pieces of clothing still intertwined with mine. Your voice in my head, and your smile once I close my eyes . I remember looking back at you in the car that day, and Bob Marley's song came on the radio. You looked at me and said "mommy, no worry, is gonna be alwight". At just three years old, you were assuring me that no matter what happened, everything was going to be alright. Yes, it's been 8 years since I last held you, but you are with me every day. I carry you in everything I do and everything I say you are my reason, you are my why you are the burst of energy that recharges my drive. I missed...

Into Me You See

Search This Blog