A Lil' of Everything ...

It's past midnight and I am still up.
This has been a reoccurring thing for me lately. Everyone is sound asleep, yet I can't go to sleep.
So much on my mind, so many things to do.
So much I want to say, yet I'm afraid to open up in fear that I will open a floodgate to the tears that I've been trying to hold in for so long.
Many tell me that I need to relax and take things one thing at a time. I look at them, nod and smile.
Yet, inside I am screaming at the top of my lungs.
"Shut the fuck up! You don't know what I'm living. You don't know what I'm feeling."
Everyday I open my eyes, yet I want to keep them close. I want to force myself to keep dreaming and not wake up to this reality I live.

Where I get the strength to live this way, I have no clue. Wait, maybe I do.

My two monkeys.

My lil' man. My sunshine. Who just turned 5 years old, but has had to grow up faster than what I would have wanted him to. Who has to go days and weeks at times without his mommy and lil' sister at home with him. Who has to deal others placing more attention on his sister than on him.

My lil' princess. My ray of light. Who has lived most of her 3 years of life in a hospital room instead of at home. Who has been battling leukemia since she was 8 1/2 months old. Who in less than two weeks will be admitted again for a 2nd bone marrow transplant.

My heart breaks for both, but yet I have to remain strong for both. Damn you cancer! Why don't you just fuck the fuck off!

My head keeps pounding. Maybe it's the sound of these keys being clicked as I type being amplified. Maybe it's the screaming and yelling that is kept imprisoned inside of me.

I want to scream.

Scream every time I hear someone talk about the petty things in life and giving them more importance than needed.

I want to scream.

Scream every time I see my son's expressions change when he realizes that his mommy won't be sleeping at home with him.

I want to scream.

Scream every time my daughter is poked, squeezed, and kept confined because this cancer thinks it can control her and her body.

Maybe I should listen to Mark Twain when he says, "Drag your thoughts away from your troubles... by the ears, by the heels, or any other way you can manage it."

Comments

This is me, Evolving.

There is not a moment in time that I don’t remember myself as being overweight. As a kid, I was always the biggest of my siblings, the biggest in my classes, and the biggest in my circle of friends. As you can imagine, I’ve always struggled with my weight. My earliest memory of realizing how much more I weighed than the other girls in my circle was in the 6th grade. It was June 1993 to be more specific. We were getting ready for my 6th grade commencement, so we had to go clothes shopping, especially because I was giving a speech as 6th grade valedictorian. I can recall not being able to shop in the regular girl/juniors sections. I had to head over the “old people” section as I used to call it because it was older women who shopped in that area. There was nothing CUTE in that section. I had to settle for something that fit, rather something I actually wanted to wear – not a very good feeling. That’s when it all started. I remember that summer going to my annual physical and d...

Breathe.

While the Internet has proven to be resourceful in many ways, it can also be a curse. I remember being on the 7th floor pediatric oncology unit back in June 2009. I was sitting with the doctors who were explaining to me Nayelis' diagnosis. (I had already Google searched leukemia in children, so I had a few questions of my own.) I went on to tell the doctors my findings, and they said not to let what I found on the Internet drive me crazy. But that's just who I am. You give me information I am not knowledgeable of, and I run with it on every search engine available to see what I can find. That's what I did then, and that's what I've been doing now. Let me backtrack a bit. During my 5-6 month pregnancy ultrasound for Neymar, doctors informed me that the ventricles in brain appeared a bit larger than they should have been. They closely monitored me during the remainder of the pregnancy to make sure the size was not increasing as it would mean there would be so...

Bits and pieces of me

Sometimes I sit and go through old pictures and my old journals. I think of what was, and what is. Last night I came across this picture: circa 1995, my 8th grade class picture. I may look different of course because I'm older, but thinking about things, I still find myself feeling the same way. Then, I was trying to find myself, yet I was blending in. Now, I'm still trying to find myself and what my purpose is, but with more confidence in who I am. 💕 I can't be the only one who is still trying to find out what their purpose is... Can I?

Into Me You See

Search This Blog