Skip to main content

Journal Writing

Journals: who here still has their old ones? Who here still writes in one? Just came across one of my old journals dated 4/2001-4/2003 ... Reading through it, recognizing how much I've grown, yet also seeing how some things just don't change.

Here's an old piece:

Emotionally naked
I stand before you
As I unveil
Piece by piece
Every layer of insecurity that conceal the self I like to call me.

Shameful thoughts
Mixed emotions
Secret desires
Flowing through my ocean
Waves clashing
Voices asking
Why am I still standing before you as my world begins unmasking?

Intentionally used
Mentally abused
Falsely accused.
Not guilty I plead
As my soul is being imprisoned.

I stand before you
Slowly exposing
The mental illustration
Hiding in disguise
Underneath this coverup image.
The sincere smile
The untainted look
The high level of self confidence
That along with my innocence you took.

Feeling like a hit and run
Helpless and deserted.
Banking in and cashing out
As I stand before you, do you know what I'm taking about?

The yelling, pulling and shoving.
Me crying, pushing and longing.
For my vulnerability was at war
With the blinded mentality
Asking myself
Why am I still here?

But if only you knew.
The nights I've spent crying
Little by little
Emotionally dying
Tears dropping
Living in terror
As I fears for my sanity
Not understanding why.

I trusted, loved and believed.
Yet I was used, neglected and deceived
With words being slowly injected
Releasing unheard screams
As I was being mentally molested.

Emotionally naked
I stand before you
As I unveil
Piece by piece
Every layer of insecurity that conceal the self I like to call me.

Circa Fall 2002

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

This is me, Evolving.

There is not a moment in time that I don’t remember myself as being overweight. As a kid, I was always the biggest of my siblings, the biggest in my classes, and the biggest in my circle of friends. As you can imagine, I’ve always struggled with my weight. My earliest memory of realizing how much more I weighed than the other girls in my circle was in the 6th grade. It was June 1993 to be more specific. We were getting ready for my 6th grade commencement, so we had to go clothes shopping, especially because I was giving a speech as 6th grade valedictorian. I can recall not being able to shop in the regular girl/juniors sections. I had to head over the “old people” section as I used to call it because it was older women who shopped in that area. There was nothing CUTE in that section. I had to settle for something that fit, rather something I actually wanted to wear – not a very good feeling. That’s when it all started.   I remember that summer going to my annual physical and d...
10 comments
Read more

Breathe.

While the Internet has proven to be resourceful in many ways, it can also be a curse.  I remember being on the 7th floor pediatric oncology unit back in June 2009. I was sitting with the doctors who were explaining to me Nayelis' diagnosis. (I had already Google searched leukemia in children, so I had a few questions of my own.) I went on to tell the doctors my findings, and they said not to let what I found on the Internet drive me crazy.  But that's just who I am.  You give me information I am not knowledgeable of, and I run with it on every search engine available to see what I can find. That's what I did then, and that's what I've been doing now.  Let me backtrack a bit.  During my 5-6 month pregnancy ultrasound for Neymar, doctors informed me that the ventricles in brain appeared a bit larger than they should have been. They closely monitored me during the remainder of the pregnancy to make sure the size was not increasing as it would mean there would be so...
1 comment
Read more

Bits and pieces of me

Sometimes I sit and go through old pictures and my old journals. I think of what was, and what is. Last night I came across this picture: circa 1995, my 8th grade class picture. I may look different of course because I'm older, but thinking about things, I still find myself feeling the same way. Then, I was trying to find myself, yet I was blending in. Now, I'm still trying to find myself and what my purpose is, but with more confidence in who I am. 💕  I can't be the only one who is still trying to find out what their purpose is... Can I?
Post a Comment
Read more