The Aftermath of Trauma

Trauma. 

Pronounced as trau·ma noun: trauma; plural noun: traumata; plural noun: traumas

1. A deeply distressing or disturbing experience. ie: "a personal trauma like the death of a child" 

Yes, that's the definition of trauma in my book, and the aftermath of living with said trauma has left me feeling emotionally taxed this past week. 

 For those that don't know, I am the mommy of an angel. Almost 10 years ago, on 5/5/2012, I held my 3 1/2 year old daughter in my arms, as she took her last breath, on the 8th floor of 7th West Pavillion at Yale New Haven Children's Hospital.

Yes, I said almost 10 years, yet the grief has not lessened; I have just learned how to live with it. Many said that time heals all wounds, that the sadness gradually goes away as time passes. But what many failed to tell me is that the littlest thing is able to trigger the traumas of yesterday. I mean, I should know better because at work I'm educating others about trauma, it's causes and effects. But one thing is teaching others how to cope with their own trauma, and another is learning to live with your own. Like they say, easier said than done. 

 Anyways, before I derail this train that's at capacity, let me get back on track. And bear with me, as I have to give the backstory in order to get to my point, it's how my brain is working lately. 

So, okay, many know that I gave birth to a baby boy in September 2015.

Neymar was born with a mild case of hydrocephalus, a genetic disorder, a mild hearing loss in his left ear. The hydrocephalus was said to be stable after 3 years of constant monitoring with CT scans and MRIs. The genetic disorder, tetrasomy 9p and deletion 15q, is life long; with it comes many abnormalities. 

Now let's talk about the hearing loss. At birth, he showed a mild loss in the left ear. He had tubes placed in both ears when he was about 3-4 months. Thank God, he has never experienced any ear infections or other issues. Fast forward to 2020, he underwent a few hearing tests as a follow up. Before the year ended, it was said to me that he has a big perforation in his right ear drum; basically a hole in his right ear drum. At the same time, it was decided that the use of hearing aid would be beneficial for Neymar because now he also had a hearing loss in the right ear. After a hearing aid evaluation, the Ponto was chosen. It's a sound processor that attaches to a soft band and is placed on the bone behind the ears.

How does it work?

 The adjustable Ponto Softband is simply worn around the head. When you attach the Ponto sound processor, it sends sound waves through the bone and on to the inner ear. This gives you access to the renowned, high-quality Ponto sound . 

The ENT and Audiologist also decided that a hearing evaluation should be done while Neymar was sedated, so that they can get an accurate reading since Neymar is a busybody and would be all over the place during the past tests. SO it was agreed that this would be done, with the ENT surgeon also taking a look at both ears to see if there was any fluid there, to see if tubes were needed once more, and to attempt to repair the perforation. This was all to be done with Neymar under anesthesia. 

Okay, fast forward to last week, 1/5/2022, which was when the procedure was scheduled for. We were scheduled to arrive at Yale for 6:30 am, and like any night before a big procedure, Neymar was unable to eat after midnight, or have anything to drink two hours before our scheduled appointment. That right there was the first hurdle to jump because Neymar loves his water or milk first thing after opening his eyes. As I was dressing him, I had to tell him that we had to go ask the doctor for permission to have something to drink. To keep him calm, I allowed him to bring his purple bouncy ball that he seems attached to. Because of our present times, with Covid being on the rise once more, only one parent was allowed to accompany patients at the hospital, so of course I am the designated parent for these procedures, plus Neymar's a momma's boy. We arrived at Yale at 6:15 am, and it was still super dark out. That right there was my first trigger - took me back to the many times I had to rush Nayelis to Yale in the middle of the night. 

We get to the 3rd floor, the pediatric surgery wing, and checked in. We were brought to a room to wait for the nurse, anesthesia team, and the doctor/surgeon. The nurse came in to take vitals, and gave me the hospital gowns/socks to change Neymar. (Neymar didn’t want to put his socks on, so I had to put some over my boots in order for him to put them on.) 

Afterwards, the Childlife Specialist came to introduce herself. (Can I tell you how I love the Childlife Specialists at Yale?! They are amazing at what they do, and always make the kids feel comfortable.) The doctor and anesthesia team showed up at the same time, and Neymar was having a bouncy ball party with them. 

He was the life of the party that morning, bringing me back more memories, because his sister was the same; always had the hospital staff wrapped around her fingers with her charismatic personality. (I swear that Neymar is a boy version of her spunk!) When they left the room, Neymar and I played and for a moment I felt like the breath was sucked out of me. I had flashbacks - flashbacks that reminded me that it was just in that location just a few floors up, where I last held Nayelis. I had to hold back the sob that was threatening to burst out because I did not want to scare Neymar. You see, he's very in tune to my emotions, but he's also an empath, where he feels what others feel. 

The anesthesia team came back and told me they were ready for Neymar in the OR. They allowed me to walk Neymar over and be there when the anesthesia was administered. Walking to the OR behind Neymar with the team was De Ja Vu for me. 

Walking into the OR almost took me down, but I told myself that I had to remain strong for Neymar because he was starting to get suspicious of what was going on since he was being surrounded by all these "strangers" in scrubs. I picked him up and sat him on the table, trying to comfort him, and let him know that mommy was there with him. Imagine the pain I felt when I had to hold him down while the anesthesia mask was being placed on him. Once again, he went limp in my arms. WORST FEELING EVER. I gave him a kiss, and asked them to please take care of him. The child life specialist walked me out, as she was going to walk me back to the room to get my belongings. One step out of the OR, and I broke down. Every emotion possible was felt as the tears came. I had to remind myself to breathe, to remind myself that God is in control, and HE will always take care of His children. 

The child life specialist was talking to me. I could see her lips moving, but don't ask me what it was she was saying because I honestly can't remember. All I remember is walking in to the room where our belongings was at, her telling me that she was going to give me a few minutes to myself, her walking out, and my world being shaken. Yes, I was concerned about the procedure and the outcome, but the PTSD and GRIEF suckerpunched me. It all came out of nowhere, unexpected and there I was all alone to deal with it. 

Thankfully, the procedure went well. No fluid in either ears, so tubes were not needed. The surgeon did say that he was able to "patch" up the perforation on the right ear, as a temporary solution in hopes that it will heal on it's own. He stated Neymar has very small ear canals, so he wanted to try least invasive method at the moment. He said that if later on it doesn't close on it's own, then surgery would be required. The audiologist informed that Neymar has a mild hearing loss in his left ear and a moderate loss in his right ear, which could be a result of the perforation. She stated the nerves in his ears are working so the issue is not there. She recommended that he wear a Ponto on each side, t o help amplify sound for Neymar. 

I was brought back to the recovery area, where I sat patiently as I waited for Neymar to wake up on his own. I was reminded that the anesthesia takes about 24 hours to fully leave the body, so a close eye had to be kept on him so that he wouldn't hurt himself. Once he did start waking up, he was a bit groggy, but once the nurse brought him a popsicle all was good in his world.

When it was time to change him into his clothes to be discharged, he got fussy and told me to go and leave him alone. Yes, my fiesty Neymar was being hisself times 10; another resemblance to Nayelis. As we were discharged, the nurse took him to the Toy Closet, which was Nayelis' favorite part of the hospital.

He grabbed a set of blocks, but then wanted to go back to the closet to look at all of the other toys, just like his sister used to do! Left Yale, picked up Nandy early from school, and came home. I was SO exhausted, not just physically, but mentally and emotionally as well. I laid back with Neymar on the couch and eventually fell asleep. 

It's been 4 days since then, and I have yet to feel like myself. My brain is on overdrive, and my motivation is lacking. I've been feeling so unbalanced, very emotional, and a bit lost if I am being honest. Here I thought that I had worked through a lot of my past traumas, that I was on the road towards healing, and now it seems as though I took a few steps backwards. But like I like to say about my fitness journey, the same goes for healing: it is NOT linear. 

Sometimes we end up retreating an area of trauma more than once, and that is okay. Healing is hard, exhausting and draining; and the only way to get through it is to allow yourself to GO through it, to sit with it, and work through it. Just need to remind myself that even with healing, one never becomes whole again and just survives. But, for those of use who have been through hell and are still here standing, then we are WARRIORS.