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Sunday, February 26, 2017

Journal Writing

Journals: who here still has their old ones? Who here still writes in one? Just came across one of my old journals dated 4/2001-4/2003 ... Reading through it, recognizing how much I've grown, yet also seeing how some things just don't change.

Here's an old piece:

Emotionally naked
I stand before you
As I unveil
Piece by piece
Every layer of insecurity that conceal the self I like to call me.

Shameful thoughts
Mixed emotions
Secret desires
Flowing through my ocean
Waves clashing
Voices asking
Why am I still standing before you as my world begins unmasking?

Intentionally used
Mentally abused
Falsely accused.
Not guilty I plead
As my soul is being imprisoned.

I stand before you
Slowly exposing
The mental illustration
Hiding in disguise
Underneath this coverup image.
The sincere smile
The untainted look
The high level of self confidence
That along with my innocence you took.

Feeling like a hit and run
Helpless and deserted.
Banking in and cashing out
As I stand before you, do you know what I'm taking about?

The yelling, pulling and shoving.
Me crying, pushing and longing.
For my vulnerability was at war
With the blinded mentality
Asking myself
Why am I still here?

But if only you knew.
The nights I've spent crying
Little by little
Emotionally dying
Tears dropping
Living in terror
As I fears for my sanity
Not understanding why.

I trusted, loved and believed.
Yet I was used, neglected and deceived
With words being slowly injected
Releasing unheard screams
As I was being mentally molested.

Emotionally naked
I stand before you
As I unveil
Piece by piece
Every layer of insecurity that conceal the self I like to call me.

Circa Fall 2002

Thursday, October 6, 2016

This is me ...

Hola! 

For those who don’t know me, I am Yvette! 

I am a mother, wife, daughter, sister, aunt, friend, but most importantly, I am ME. I have a love for reading and writing, long walks, and taking pictures. I am a family type of girl, meaning my family comes before anything and everything. Family – the ones meant to love and be there for you through it all. Because you don’t walk out on family, even when they walk out on you. They say it’s taboo to talk about domestic violence and sexual assault, yet it happens. I won’t say I am a victim, but I will say I am a survivor. I am not what has happened to me. I am what I choose to become. Life has been a bit rough, but it has also given me many blessings. I’ve learned to smile through the tears, and appreciate the gift of love. I’ve learned to be strong even when I’ve had every reason to crumble. I have fallen, but like Maya, I will continue to rise.



 


 

 

Thursday, August 18, 2016

throwback

Here's my throwback Thursday picture for you. My UCONN Class of 2003 pictures. As I look at this picture I see a shy girl, unsure of herself, who was yet still trying to fit in. The smile she wore hid the the many insecurities that made up who she was. Yes, she was proud of overcoming the the obstacles presented to her, but she was still unhappy about who she was. Yes, she had many friends who loved her, but she was still struggling with loving herself. If I could go back in time, I will show her what I've learned since then. Tell her she is worthy and beautiful just the way she is. 


 

my reason

As I'm sitting in the car with my little man, he goes and says to me: "Mommy, do you want to know why you inspire me?" 

I look at him and ask him why. 

Nandy says, "You inspire me because I see how hard you are working to getting healthy. You are so skinny now (I laugh at this) and you have done it by eating healthier, drinking Shakeology and exercising at home. I love you so much." 

Listening to him say this to me not only squeezed my heart, but it also opened my eyes. He really does pay attention to the things I do and the things I say. Little does he know how much he inspires me! For a ten year old to have lost his best friend/sister at such a young age, it's been tough on him, but he's managed to keep growing and loving despite it all. He's my reason to keep getting up when life knocks me down. For him and Neymar I will continue to push forward. I will honor the promise I made to Nayelis: I will continue to fight despite what comes my way. So bring it on! 


 

Thursday, July 28, 2016

No one told me.

"What makes a parent, I understood at that moment, is not so much genetics, but all the other things you give. Anyone can be a parent, but to be a mom or a dad, that takes years of giving with no thought of getting." (Unknown) 

When you are a kid, everyone tends to ask the infamous question: What do you want to be when you grow up? 

For me that was easy, I wanted to be a teacher. I wanted to work with kids of all ages and teach them the wonders of the world. I would practice on my brothers and sisters, and let me tell you, there were plenty of them! I was the oldest of eight children at home at one point. 

...I remember living on Maple Street in Bridgeport, first floor apartment. Our family had access to the basement, and I remember my parents putting an old couch down there and other extras we had around the house. I remember them getting their hands on a huge green chalkboard for me and putting it in the basement as well. It was all I needed to make my "classroom" official. I would have stack of worksheets and paper that the teachers would disposed of at the end of the year. I had pencils and crayons and stickers and coloring books. I would bring my siblings down to the basement, in a single file, and "teach" them. Lol those where the good ol' days. 

... I remember, as a grew older, still wanting to be a teacher, but most of all, I wanted to be a mom. I mean I had the experience down packed with my siblings! My youngest sister and brother were like my own. Being ten years + older than them, I was my mother's helper. I would feed them, change diapers, and put them to sleep. They were my babies then, and as they grew older, I still had the attachment because I pushed myself to do good in school to be the example for them.  

But you see, no one told me being a parent was not as easy as they portrayed it to be. 
No one told me about sleepless nights where, I would stay at my child's side to make sure I heard him and her breathing. 
No one told me about the constant worrying when my child was not at my side because I had to go back to work to be able to provide for them. 
No one told me about the heart ache I would feel when I was told my daughter had leukemia and about the emptiness that still lingers due to her passing away. 
No one told me it would be a struggle between the mind and the heart because even though you know better, your heart will always overpower it. 
No one told me how exhausting and overwhelming it would be to raise children in this imperfect world. 

And though no one told me, I learned. 
I learned the only way I know how to and that is by going through it. Times get difficult and I am hard on myself. I tend to place blame on myself when things go wrong; even when they are not in my control. I need to remind myself that I have done and continue to do everything possible for my children. I need to remind myself that I am human and I am allowed some mistakes. I need to remind myself that I am doing the best that I can. 



 

Tuesday, July 12, 2016

Children grieve too.

"There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are the messengers of overwhelming grief, of deep contrition, and of unspeakable love."(Washington Irving)

They say the eyes are windows of one's soul. 
I believe this is true, for the eyes can speak much louder than the tongue. 
Looking into the eyes of a certain 10 year old, as he shares his fears and expressed his sadness, is like drowning in a sea of worries and confusion. 

I've always said he is not your typical kid. Not only was his innocence shattered at the loss of his best friend, who was also his sister, at such a young age, but he has had to grow up faster than others as he tries to understand how this world works. He is a breath of fresh air on any given day; he is my heart. So when his heart is broken, that makes mine shatter in more way I didn't think was possible. 

Just this evening, he looked me in the eye and told me leukemia ruined his life. He stated it was not fair that he was only able to share three years with his sister. Tears made their way down, on both our parts, as I agreed with him that he was right and it wasn't fair. He then said he wished he had more time with her. He hugged me and of course I squeezed back not wanting to let go. I looked at him and told him it was okay to talk about his feelings; it was okay to cry. His eyes spoke what his mouth did not say. 

Every day and every night I pray that his heart is comforted. 😔



 

Thursday, July 7, 2016

Working on me.





 Back in 2011, I was at one of my heaviest moments. Physically and emotionally; and they go hand in hand right? When things are rough, I tend to drown my sorrows with food. I know I am not the only one. At the time, my 2 year old daughter was battling leukemia for the 2nd time. She had reached remission and we were able to spend the weekend at Camp Sunshine in Maine. Talk about struggles and I was facing them all. Mentally, emotionally, physically and financially. But with all that, I still kept pushing forward. I had no choice. I had to keep going for her and my oldest. 

Fast forward to 2016. My daughter is no longer physically here with us as she passed in 2012, but we have a new addition to the family and he will turn 1 this year. Things happen sometimes and we are not able to explain or comprehend why they happen they way they do. I still have my days, and I think I always will, but now I have another little being that I need to push forward for. In order to be able to do that, I have realized that I need to take care of me first so that I can then take care of them. A few days ago, I went in for a routine physical check up (last one was in 2013) and everything looked good. Today, I received a call confirming that all blood work came back A-ok! Doctor just wants me to continue doing what I've been doing in terms of eating and exercising. And that's what I planned to do because I have a goal to not be considered "obese" next year at my check up. #personalreflections