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Letter to my daughter

Letter to my daughter –

15 years ago, on this date, I was preparing to welcome you to the world after feeling you grow, close to my heart, for 39 weeks. I remember being overjoyed the day the doctor confirmed you would be a baby girl because deep down I already knew. So, as I laid on the surgery table, I waited patiently for your arrival.  Hearing your first cry as you made your presence known, holding you in my arms for the first time and breathing you in was like a piece of me that was missing had finally been found.




I had prayed for this moment for so long. My princess, my mini me. 

I remember your first sound, your first giggle, the first time you sat up, the first time you crawled and then right before your 1st birthday our world was shaken when we were given the news that would have us in the biggest fight of our lives. The hospital would be our second home for the first three years of your life. How ironic that it was in a hospital where you took your first breath, but it was also t where you took your last breath.




12 years, that’s how long it’s been since I’ve held you.

12 birthdays you have not been able to celebrate, today being a big one.

Tus quince primaveras, that one milestone that every girl dreams of, the rite of passage where you transition from a young girl to a woman. I sit here and try to picture you as a young woman …would you still be a Diva with a big personality and an old soul? Would you still love pink and purples and sparkly sneakers? Would your eyes still twinkle with mischief and your smile melt the hearts of those who came across you?  Would we be getting ready today to celebrate you with a big party and fancy dress or would you have wanted more of a low key get together? Would we be the best of friends or would you ….

So many questions with no answers. So many emotions left unsettled and no matter how much time passes it never gets any easier.

I made a promise to you before you took your last breath that I will continue to keep your name alive. That I will continue to fight, and let me tell you, this past year has been one of the hardest ever and there have been moments where I couldn’t find the strength to continue fighting. It’s in these moments, I receive the signs you send me. The flutters of  butterflies that come out of nowhere, the little girls with puffy curly hair, Neymar’s laughter.  I remember how brave you were and how you continued to smile regardless of what you were put through, and somehow, I manage to muster up  the energy to get up and keep pushing.

I’m sorry. 

I’m sorry I couldn’t save you.

Know you are missed every second, every minute, every day.

I will continue to carry you with me in everything I do and everything I am.

Happy 15th birthday in heaven my princess.



Nayelis Lorraine Rivera 

9/29/2008 - 5/05/2012

 

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