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Showing posts from June, 2016

My 1st Born

Ten years ago, I found myself in the hospital room. Doctors had me hooked up to machines monitoring the baby and I. He was two weeks over due and I was not dilating. Later that morning, they informed me that the best option was to deliver via C-section. I was so full of emotion; I cried as I was nervous and didn't know what to expect. I just wanted my baby boy to make his way into this world with no complications. 
You see, in 2004, I was told there was a big chance that I may not be able to have children due to polycystic ovaries. I cried at the news because I always dreamed of being a mother, and here some doctor was telling me it may be possible. But I believed deep in my heart, God had other plans for me. 
July 1st, 2006, I gave birth to a beautiful and healthy baby boy, who would be known to the world as Nandiel. He is my first born, my heart, my reason for everything. He welcomed me to mommy hood and the life has not been the same ever since. He's brought joy into our live…

In my feelings.

Ever have a random conversation with someone, and you walk away you have what feels like rocks in the pit of your stomach and a knot in your throat for no apparent reason?  I mean the conversation was a no brainer; nothing meant to cause those feelings.  Yet, I had to fight back the tears that were patiently waiting to be released. 
When I was living in Florida in 2012, I came across a saying that I didn't much get at the moment. People used to say how they were "in their feelings" and I would just think it was a down South thing because this North East girl had no clue as to what was being said. 
But now I say that I must be in my feelings.  I am feeling a bit fragile and it's impacting everything around me.  A conversation with someone, a book I'm reading, a series I am watching, a song I am listening to... They are about to ignite the explosion to these emotions I am harboring.   Ever since I can remember, I have always been one to be in touch with my feeling…


While the Internet has proven to be resourceful in many ways, it can also be a curse. 
I remember being on the 7th floor pediatric oncology unit back in June 2009. I was sitting with the doctors who were explaining to me Nayelis' diagnosis. (I had already Google searched leukemia in children, so I had a few questions of my own.) I went on to tell the doctors my findings, and they said not to let what I found on the Internet drive me crazy. 
But that's just who I am.  You give me information I am not knowledgeable of, and I run with it on every search engine available to see what I can find. That's what I did then, and that's what I've been doing now. 
Let me backtrack a bit.  During my 5-6 month pregnancy ultrasound for Neymar, doctors informed me that the ventricles in brain appeared a bit larger than they should have been. They closely monitored me during the remainder of the pregnancy to make sure the size was not increasing as it would mean there would be some delay…

Neymar Abdiel

Just 9 months ago, I gave birth to this beautiful baby boy: Neymar Abdiel. Today he is 9 months old, and I love him more with every day that passes. He was sent to us when we needed him the most, and he's brought joy, light and hope to our lives. I only pray that God continue to bless him with love and health. 

Tomorrow, he will be going for a MRI/Quick Brain Scan. It will be his third one since being born. The doctors are monitoring the ventricles of his brain as they appear to have a bit more fluid than they should. Doctors actually caught this during my 5th month ultrasound, and had me closely monitored until Neymar was born. The last MRI, done in May, showed a little increase of fluid, but doctors are saying he is stable because there is nothing much that can be done at this moment, only just monitor it. 
I've been keeping myself positive about this. Not trying to let the negative thinking get to me. He will be fine. He IS fine. 

This road I am traveling is unveiling things about myself I didn't know before.  I am learning to be comfortable in my own skin.  I am learning that's it's okay to fall down as long as I get myself back up.  I am learning to be kind to myself mentally, emotionally and physically.
I know I am not the prettiest, the smartest or the fastest. What I do know is that I am a woman of worth; able to push against the crowd and be my own person. 

June 16 ... I remember...

June 16. 
Something as simple as today's date can trigger a dam of emotions to erupt. Though it's been 7 years, the events of that day will forever be engraved in my memory. The mind can be very powerful as it plays tricks on you; bringing things to the present as if it were happening in the now. 
I remember every little detail of that day.  I remember staying home from work that day because Nayelis' fever was still on and off, ranging from 100 - 103.  I remember sitting at my mother's kitchen chair when she lived on Noble Avenue as I tried calling the pediatrician for the umpteenth time.  I remember him saying that if her fever was still high to just take her to the emergency room again. Mind you we had just taken her to the ER two times in a matter the past 4-5 days.  I remember Omar arriving to my mother's place after a long day at work. I remember packing up Nandy and Nayelis into their respective car seats and making our way to Bridgeport Hospital.  I remember…

Bits and pieces of me

Sometimes I sit and go through old pictures and my old journals. I think of what was, and what is. Last night I came across this picture: circa 1995, my 8th grade class picture. I may look different of course because I'm older, but thinking about things, I still find myself feeling the same way. Then, I was trying to find myself, yet I was blending in. Now, I'm still trying to find myself and what my purpose is, but with more confidence in who I am. 💕
 I can't be the only one who is still trying to find out what their purpose is... Can I?


It’s no secret that many marriages fall apart after the death of a child. Losing a child completely tears you sort. You’re the same people, but at the same time, you’re really not. You are left broken and hollow; a piece of you is missing. 
In our case, I believe it has brought us closer. When Nayelis was diagnosed in June of 2009,  everything changed; how could it not when you are being told that your child has to fight for her life when she was barely 8 months old. At one point during her three year fight, my relationship was on the rocks because we were two individuals trying to be strong for our children, and dealing with the process in our very own ways. 
When we were told by doctors that it was no longer about the quantity, but about the quality of life, man we cried and we prayed. We prayed for the miracle we've been waiting for since she was diagnosed. It was in that time that we decided to finally get married because I wanted her to be there with us. We were running against…