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Saturday, August 20, 2011

Came across old pieces of writing ... Enjoy



January 20, 2010:
An Invitation

For you...
Inviting you to come and take a swim deep inside of me, and navigate the crevices and make sure not one is left undiscovered...make sure to be prepared to be taken to a point of no return and to be left a in a complete state of bliss...
...let us connect the dots and imagine of a world unknown to others where only you and I take residence on this particular moment...a world where all inhibitions are left behind and the only thing mattering is what we are about to find...

January 21, 2010:
If I could...
If I could, I would...
Would turn back the hands in time, and try to make it right all over again.
Would let the truth be known before  the unknown would lead to the end
the end of what was fought for from the get go
the reality that  you and I were getting to know
that even though I loved you soyou and I could be no more...
If I could I would...Would move the mountains and swim the seasdo the impossible to bring you back to me
for just one second I would let us be
what we once were...
what we once were before I chose to walk away
and I still remember the pain written all over your face
as though it was only yesterday
and I still remember because it's a memory that I carry every day...

August 26, 2010:
Lost.
Confused.
Alone.
...it's how I feel right now. Not that you would know because we barely say a word to each other. how did we become so distant with one another? Days turn into nights, and weeks into months...and yet, we fail to acknowledge the gap between us...as though we don't want to talk about it for the unknown is scary...

September 22, 2010: 

I feel quite lost
my mind wanders
wondering what am I doing wrong
never have I felt so strong
about this longing I feel inside
Petrified of the unknown
of losing you and being completely alone

To take back the hands in time
to that one instant
that one moment
where all felt right
where the only fight fought
consisted of who would be the last to
say goodnight.

Remembering what once was
and knowing what it would be
if all is worked out
between you and me
provides hope
and helps me cope
with this feeling

This feeling of uncertainty
doesn’t allow me
to think clearly
impairing my vision
questioning
the elements of this
love unloved.


September 25, 2010:

The day is gone
night has creeped
up once again
and with it came
an emptiness
that doesn’t seem to end.

its a battle
between the mind
and the heart
of wanting to be close
but at the same time
wanting to part

for it makes no sense
to want to fix something
that’s unfixable
unexplainable
we’ve become detachable
no longer together
always with out the other
no explanation to provide
to the coming and going
with you not at my side


it’s like a story
my very own fairytale
I was the princess
and you my prince
creating a happily ever after
but I’m not convinced
that’s how it will finish
this story will be over
and this love will gradually diminish




The role of a writer is not to say what we all can say, but what we are unable to say. ~Anaïs Nin

Friday, August 19, 2011

...but I thought we were friends?

Ever find yourself always being there for those you love and those who need you. Whether it's family, friends, or even complete strangers? You would do anything in your power to help in whatever way you can, even if it's just something as simple as a message to bring upon a smile?

Ok. I am sure we all have been there.
Now, tell me one thing.
When you are in a predicament where you need someone, whether its to lend a helping hand, to talk, or just even a hug ... how many of you find yourself feeling ALONE. With no one around to ask if you need anything, or to just be there.
True what they say. You know who your friends are when you are in the most difficult situations. The bandages are removed from your eyes and true colors are revealed.
The individuals that you believed will always be there for you are the ones who don't even bother checking up on you. But yet, look for you when, of course, they need something from you!

That's when you realize certain things. For instance :


These past two years have been like a roller coaster ride for me. With my daughter being diagnosed with Leukemia at such an early age, with having to be in and out of the hospitals, with having to take time off from work to take care of her, and having to be away from my son at long periods of time.
The "friends" I thought would be there for me during this time, for whatever reasons went "ghost". Didn't hear from them as frequent. Didn't see them as much, unless I was the one reaching out. I was, and still am, hurt by this. All I could do is shake my head and brush it off. Who needs a friend like?!
Yet, I was blessed with the presence of many who I didn't even think would be the ones to offer to help in any way possible, who would call and/or text to make sure everything was OK, who would go out of their way to make sure my family and I had dinner to eat while in the hospital. I have been blessed with many who came into my life during these hard times and have managed to make themselves feel like FAMILY.

My mom always told me in Spanish,
Un amigo es un peso en el bolcillo. 
Meaning, a friend is just a dollar in your pocket. They come and go.
But:

 I give thanks for being blessed with a few selected individuals in my life, that have been there for me no matter what the situation has been. You don't have to see each other everyday, or talk to each other everyday to be friends. Friends are those that after long periods of seeing each other or talking, are able to come together and pick up where they left...

Monday, August 15, 2011

It's being willing to walk away that gives you strength and power -
if you're willing to accept the consequences of doing what you want to do.
- Whoopi Goldberg

If this were the case...

Sunday, August 14, 2011

A Lil' of Everything ...

It's past midnight and I am still up.
This has been a reoccurring thing for me lately. Everyone is sound asleep, yet I can't go to sleep.
So much on my mind, so many things to do.
So much I want to say, yet I'm afraid to open up in fear that I will open a floodgate to the tears that I've been trying to hold in for so long.
Many tell me that I need to relax and take things one thing at a time. I look at them, nod and smile.
Yet, inside I am screaming at the top of my lungs.
"Shut the fuck up! You don't know what I'm living. You don't know what I'm feeling." 
Everyday I open my eyes, yet I want to keep them close. I want to force myself to keep dreaming and not wake up to this reality I live.

Where I get the strength to live this way, I have no clue. Wait, maybe I do.
My two monkeys. 

My lil' man. My sunshine. Who just turned 5 years old, but has had to grow up faster than what I would have wanted him to. Who has to go days and weeks at times without his mommy and lil' sister at home with him. Who has to deal others placing more attention on his sister than on him. 
My lil' princess. My ray of light. Who has lived most of her 3 years of life in a hospital room instead of at home. Who has been battling leukemia since she was 8 1/2 months old. Who in less than two weeks will be admitted again for a 2nd bone marrow transplant. 

My heart breaks for both, but yet I have to remain strong for both. Damn you cancer! Why don't you just fuck the fuck off! 

My head keeps pounding. Maybe it's the sound of these keys being clicked as I type being amplified.  Maybe it's the screaming and yelling that is kept imprisoned inside of me. 
I want to scream. 
Scream every time I hear someone talk about the petty things in life and giving them more importance than needed. 
I want to scream. 
Scream every time I see my son's expressions change when he realizes that his mommy won't be sleeping at home with him. 
I want to scream. 
Scream every time my daughter is poked, squeezed, and kept confined because this cancer thinks it can control her and her body. 

Maybe I should listen to Mark Twain when he says, "Drag your thoughts away from your troubles... by the ears, by the heels, or any other way you can manage it."

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

My feelings about Cancer.

How dare you creep up on us like that
like you had no damn sense. 
Slowly trying to take all control 
and breaking everything apart. 

FUCK YOU

For the roller coaster ride you continue to put us through. 
For the tears that keep coming down. 
For the nights without sleep. 

FUCK YOU. 

For my baby girl who continues to fight your battle. 
For my little boy who’s had to grow up at a faster pace. 
For the sanity that I am about to lose. 

FUCK YOU three times harder.

Thursday, April 14, 2011

A never ending cycle ...

That is exactly what life is!
A cycle  that never ends. No matter how much you think you have surpassed the past
you find yourself going through the same motions over and over again...
And I say this because today I was going through my work email, and I came across and email that I sent myself in 2007... FOUR years ago! And it was a piece of writing that I had written in that moment. Reading it brought me back to then, yet it reflected somewhat where I am now.
Crazy, I thought to myself. How is it that with all that has passed and all that I've experienced I am still in the same place?! Could it be that, instead of moving forward, I moved in a circle? Or could it be that I didn't move at all? That I was still stuck in the same place ... both physically and mentally? So confusing that's what this all is!
I figured I will share the piece of writing that has me feeling this way.
Enjoy!


Caught up in the drama…
The one I always try to steer away from.
Don’t want to get myself entangled in a web
Of seduction, temptation and deceiving…
That’s not me.
Not me at all.
Funny how we say we should practice what we preach.
Yet.
Many a times, we find ourselves in awkward situations
And yet,
We find no explanations for why we are there.
That’s where I’m at right now.
No explanation or so I think.
Reasons are found beyond explanations.
Aren’t they the same though?
Crazy.
Yes. That’s me.
Letting myself go uncontrollably
Within the hidden meanings of words equating total chaos.
Allowing me to lose control of myself
In the eyes of seduction
Trying to wonder if real eyes can see into me
And realize the intimacy
Spoken through my own eyes.
Where my own eyes
Fail to see the road ahead of me,
An unexpected journey
Luring this being into a world not only of
Enticement, butterflies and excitement
But also one full of guilt, shame and regret
We are told never to regret
Because all happens for a reason…
But in a quick minute,
Something takes over, and
All changes and we forget
What is right from what is wrong
And we let ourselves fall into
What feels right in that once instance.

Sunday, April 3, 2011

Is it possible ... ?

To fall head over heels
love with all your heart
yet don't know how to let go
once they decide to part?

To forgive and forget
the many tears shed
to accept that fact
that maybe you were misled?

... ... ... ... ...

I find myself struggling with letting go ...
Six years, two kids and memories to last
infinity and beyond...
Many are quick to say "I told you so"
Put yourself in my shoes and see if You can make it past
the feelings that don't' belong...

Lost.
Empty & Alone.
Is it possible?

Friday, April 1, 2011

Embracing changes ...


1st day of April!
Starting the countdown for many things...
One in particular ... My 30th Birthday at the end of this month!
To think about it is to feel another gray hair coming out! (Yes, I have a few of those already!) Some may say it's the stress, but I want to refer to them as a proof of living ... of allowing myself to experience the good with the bad.
I am not sure how to feel about entering a new decade in a matter of weeks ... I mean, changes are about the only permanent things in one's life... Yet, I'm overwhelmed by just the number 30! That's normal though, right?

To think that just maybe I am not where I should be with myself is scary in itself. I mean, looking back to where I came from, I've come a long way, but at the same time I've managed to remain the same person ...

I've been known to be called "Revolucion" ... a revolution ... bringing about a change in everything that I do. Allowing myself to transform into who I am needed to be in each situation I find myself in.  Now, I just have to find the inner strength in me to just flow with the fact that maybe turning 30 will be the revolution in myself ... exploring what's out there and finding myself, and not holding back on any changes that may come out in the process.

So -
Come on 30'ies ... Bring it on!

Thursday, March 31, 2011

Welcome

Through all that I've experienced, I've managed to keep sane.
How?
I am not sure.
For a lot has been held within.
Had to be the strong one.
Put aside my thoughts and I hid my emotions...
as best as I could...
that's all I could do...
try my best...
even though my best appears to not have been enough.
I put myself on the line
Poured out all of my strength
and I fed it to you...
Quenched your thirst and satisfied your hunger
and yet I was left out to hang dry
yearning for what never came...
A touch, a hug, a word...
You.