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Sunday, August 14, 2011

A Lil' of Everything ...

It's past midnight and I am still up.
This has been a reoccurring thing for me lately. Everyone is sound asleep, yet I can't go to sleep.
So much on my mind, so many things to do.
So much I want to say, yet I'm afraid to open up in fear that I will open a floodgate to the tears that I've been trying to hold in for so long.
Many tell me that I need to relax and take things one thing at a time. I look at them, nod and smile.
Yet, inside I am screaming at the top of my lungs.
"Shut the fuck up! You don't know what I'm living. You don't know what I'm feeling." 
Everyday I open my eyes, yet I want to keep them close. I want to force myself to keep dreaming and not wake up to this reality I live.

Where I get the strength to live this way, I have no clue. Wait, maybe I do.
My two monkeys. 

My lil' man. My sunshine. Who just turned 5 years old, but has had to grow up faster than what I would have wanted him to. Who has to go days and weeks at times without his mommy and lil' sister at home with him. Who has to deal others placing more attention on his sister than on him. 
My lil' princess. My ray of light. Who has lived most of her 3 years of life in a hospital room instead of at home. Who has been battling leukemia since she was 8 1/2 months old. Who in less than two weeks will be admitted again for a 2nd bone marrow transplant. 

My heart breaks for both, but yet I have to remain strong for both. Damn you cancer! Why don't you just fuck the fuck off! 

My head keeps pounding. Maybe it's the sound of these keys being clicked as I type being amplified.  Maybe it's the screaming and yelling that is kept imprisoned inside of me. 
I want to scream. 
Scream every time I hear someone talk about the petty things in life and giving them more importance than needed. 
I want to scream. 
Scream every time I see my son's expressions change when he realizes that his mommy won't be sleeping at home with him. 
I want to scream. 
Scream every time my daughter is poked, squeezed, and kept confined because this cancer thinks it can control her and her body. 

Maybe I should listen to Mark Twain when he says, "Drag your thoughts away from your troubles... by the ears, by the heels, or any other way you can manage it."

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