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Friday, April 11, 2014

Breathe.
Deep breath. Let it out slowly.
Something that I've had to remind myself to do lately because with everything that has happened I feel like I'm suffocating. Drowning with in, yet I have to grasp on to the surface to be able to continue.
Continue living. Living for a purpose. I have to live for my son, who at such a young age has to had to endure the loss of his best friend, his sister. I find myself watching him like a hawk these days. Trying to see if I can somehow read what's playing through his mind. His eyes wander off often into deep thought, and every time I ask him if he's ok, his reply consists of "just thinking of Beba".

and that makes my heart hurt even more. Because if it's so hard for me to understand why things happen, I can imagine how he must be feeling, not understanding why his sister had to go away leaving him here alone...trying to understand why is it that she won't be coming back, and we have to wait until it's our turn to part. They say kids are resilient, and handle tough situations better than we expect them too. But somehow, it doesn't make it any easier for them to accept what has happened.

Next month will mark her two year "anniversary" of not being with us. May 5th to be exact. Yet, I don't understand how it's already been two years. Two years and I am still here breathing. I am here living, even though my heart is broken, not beating as it should. This morning, I had to sit in the car for nearly 15 minutes before coming in to work in order to compose myself. Tears strolled down my face, and my lungs felt as they were being crushed slowly. I miss my daughter. :(

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